Loving Connections

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A Coupling Primer for Couples

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A Coupling Primer for Couples

People are social creatures. We are not designed to live solitary lives. We do have varying preferences for how we connect with others. Some people prefer smaller, intimate circles of friends (introverts), while others are drawn to larger groups from which they draw their energy and social rewards (extroverts). Whatever your specific preference, most people seek out their deepest level of connection with just a single partner in whom they powerfully invest deep hopes and dreams about their future lives. (Let me temporarily move past the sad truth of how often people’s choice of that life partner doesn’t last as they’d hoped.)

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Seeking Solidarity in a Time of Division

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Seeking Solidarity in a Time of Division

We are witnessing the fallout from at least four years on increasing divisiveness in our country. With results of the 2020 general election still in doubt, the intensity of the polarization remains all too apparent. We know that the heat of polarization can be inflamed, so that “different” becomes “unrecognizable,” and this, in turn, becomes “unacceptable” or “intolerable.” Is this suspiciousness and rejection of “the other” avoidable?

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Building Solidarity

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Building Solidarity

Solidarity involves a feeling of common purpose that unites people and urges a course of action toward a common goal. The original meaning of solidarity reflects our interdependence with each other. While we may act as though we are distinct and separate human beings who act independent of one another much of the time, when situations arise that bring us together, we can appear to reconnect with our underlying commonality: the interconnectedness that unites us.

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The Imperfection of Perfectionism

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“I should have done better.” “I’m ugly (…or fat, or stupid, or unsuccessful, or undeserving, or unpopular or unworthy, or…).” “This isn’t good enough. I’ll never be good enough.” “I promise I’ll do better next time.” “Everything seems to come more easily for everyone else. I just can’t get it right.”

Do these thoughts sound familiar? They should. They are all forms of a rapidly exploding belief system that has more than doubled among people young and old in the U. S. in the past 20-years. They are all forms of unattainable perfectionism.

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Why are Relationship Struggles so Common and so Challenging

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Excuse me for being a bit skeptical about relationship therapies. Given that I work with many couples of all shapes, sizes, and ages, that may be surprising, or even confusing….Aren’t there some basic, common sense, and proven truths about what creates relationship struggles and challenges and what can be done to help you to get back on track toward a more satisfying, rewarding, and fulfilling relationship? Thankfully, the answer is yes.

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Awash in Neuro-Chemical Data and Still Uncertain What You Want or Need?

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Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the “recipe” for loving relationships could be distilled into just a few words? The complexity of individual and interpersonal needs that intersect in our relationships prevents any simplistic, one-size-fits-all solution. But, there are several timeless skills that appear over and over as essential to cultivating strong, loving, and lasting relationships. In this post, I connect the brain’s functioning to relationship health. I hope you enjoy it!

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Taming Our Urgent Striving Yields Better Results For All

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I have found that many clients greet the end of the year with a keen focus on where they believe they fell short this past year. And, as they face the New Year, they promise to double down, try even harder, and seek to make up for perceived “lost time,” as though we can ever regain what is already done and behind us. What can nature teach us about taming our urgent striving to “get ahead” and “make up for lost time” that ultimately puts us further behind? Read on…

The Gift of Authenticity

For so many, the period between Thanksgiving and New Years is fraught with challenges as families get together (or don’t) and old scores, unmet needs, unacknowledged concerns, simmering grievances, and cosmic clashes detract not only from the spirit of this time of year but from the ability of families and the individuals who comprise them to find a path to peace. For some simple but powerful ideas to guide you though this season, read on.

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Thank you, Charles Darwin

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Diversity, it seems, is hardwired into Mother Nature’s plans. But, what role does diversity play in supporting intimate relationship health? This blog explores the role diversity plays in our bodies, our social communities, and ultimately in our intimate lives. Read on to learn more. 

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Exiting Love's Perpetual Tug-of-War

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Exiting Love's Perpetual Tug-of-War

In seeking love, we engage in a never-ending tug-of-war with ourselves that dramatically colors our connection to our partner. On one hand, we take actions that we hope will make permanent (as in, "lived happily ever after") our connection to the “other” (spouse, partner, lover, or friend). We act from the barely conscious belief that “if only” we make the right choices we will achieve our romantic/intimate ideal. On the other hand, we are haunted by the dim awareness that no matter what we do, our efforts will ultimately end in separation from that ideal partner. They'll disappoint us, leave us, or we'll end up leaving them. (In this blog, I’ll use partner to refer to our intimate other, regardless of the form of the connection.) Read on to learn to build better connections.