Why Dualism Matters
A subtle but common trap experienced by clients - by most people, in fact - in their daily lives arises when they view their struggles and suffering through the lens of an either/or perspective.
Either I can trust him, or I can’t trust him.
Either I am calm and in control, or I am out of control and should avoid this situation entirely.
I am a success, or a failure.
Either my symptoms will go away, or I am facing something terrible that may never heal.
Either I will consistently set appropriate limits, or I will forever be taken advantage of.
Either I am a kind and caring person, which will attract people to me, or it must be that I am, at my core, unworthy and undeserving.
This either/or, black/white perspective is out of sync with how the world operates. The black/white outlook is a false human creation that multiplies unhappiness. It is a type of mental delusion that is rooted in our difficulty holding two completing realities at the same time. I can be nervous and excited at the same time. I can be in love and also experience deep disappointment in my partner. One reality does not have to negate the other.
A dualistic approach assumes a co-existence of opposites. Like the seesaw in the image above, there can’t be an up without a down. The children on the teeter totter intuitively recognize and accept that for the teeter totter to enjoyably “work,” they must alternative being up and being down. Those positions are forever joined and central to the experience. There is not just an “up” or just a “down.”
Good and bad co-exist in all of us. Opposites are always intermingling, like the Chinese yin and yang character where one characteristic of a person is always in the process of giving way to its opposite. Success and failure are partners. Trust and disappointment, even betrayal, are companions, as are hope and despair. Because, in the end, all of life only makes sense in terms of the relationship between opposite and opposing forces. Life is full of limitless potential and we are all mortal and have a finite number of years to experience all our life has to offer.
A non-dualistic perspective, on the other hand, invites unrealistic perfectionism, about ourselves and others. A non-dualistic perspective runs counter to the capacity to forgive, to accept, to learn and to grow from and through setbacks, and to demonstrate a resilient soul that is central to living life more fully, courageously, and vitally.
Sorrow and Joy
Here is a poetic example that was a great comfort to me in the aftermath of the death of a loved one that I experienced. In a book of poems (The Prophet) by Kahil Gibran, the narrator is asked about Sorrow and Joy. The narrator says:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears…
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain…
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Navigating a Dualistic Path
Applying this personal philosophy of living is challenging, but ultimately rewarding (there’s another example of dualism in action!). When experiencing loss, sadness, fear, pain, aloneness, or another form of human suffering, consider:
First acknowledge the truth of the experience (Yes. This is painful! I won’t pretend otherwise.). Allow yourself to fully feel the experience, rather than seeking to control or avoid it, which typically prolongs it and intensifies it more.
Second, in acknowledging that the pain (emotional, physical, or both) is currently part of your life, remember, too, that it cannot define the totality of your life. It is a relevant feature of your lived experience that is merely temporary. State to yourself: I am more than just this.
Third, practice creating a list of transitions in nature that you have witnessed. You are intimately connected to nature’s rhythms, which strongly regulate your health. The more aligned you are with these rhythms, the more readily you can experience the pain as temporary, as one state of being that is already giving rise to its opposite.
Here are examples:
Get up before dawn and slowly watch the sun rise, and with it the emergence of a new day and new possibilities
Go to a place where you can watch the sun set, slowly dipping beneath the horizon, and with it, bringing an end to this day as you prepare for the new day that will follow a night of rest and restoration
Commit to tracking the moon for one month, watching it grow to its fullness each night and then fade to nothing, before beginning its timeless return. Keep a nightly journal of observations about what you are seeking to leave behind and what you are seeking to grow toward.
Think of yourself as like a human cell. Your body is composed of about 30 trillion of them! Each cell does four things at the boundary between the cell and its external environment. It keeps toxic things out; allows in what it needs to survive; let’s go of what it doesn’t need; and cherishes what is essential to its survival. Then, ask yourself: 1) What do I need to keep away from me? 2) What do I need that I haven’t obtained? 3) What have I carried for too long that I need to release? 4) What have I too easily given away that I need to keep for myself?
I’ll end this blog with another quote that has been helpful to me in difficult times. Perhaps you’ll also find it to be a source of comfort and strength using a dualistic framework on your current struggles.
At night, especially, it is beautiful to believe in the light. Plato